Anyone who has ever met me knows that I fear 2 things the most; the dark, and spiders. Every time I even catch the sight one, either in real life or on the television, I get a chill that runs up my back as if the hairy bastard is crawling on me.
Alright so I'm laying in bed, still restless but still in bed in hopes being able to drift off asleep while listening to Mega64 sing the Duck Tales theme song, when BOOM feels like World War II has just erupted in my stomach. So naturally I strip down to my birthday suit and run to the sanctum that is my bathroom, yes I do the deed in the nude. I like the freedom and when I have clothes on while I'd doing my business it feels as if I am crapping in my pants, and that whole feelings just makes me uncomfortable. So like any other night I run into my bathroom sit down and get ready to let loose, when I happen to look down...
"Oh Fuck No!" was all I could think as my slightly tanned cheeks clench up in fear. What do I behold as I stare down, A hairy little eight legged spider roughly the size of a quarter is standing still in between my legs.
At this point, I'm sitting on the toilet naked, there's a spider just hanging out in between my legs, and I can't do my business in peace. I try reaching for a peace to toilet paper, "maybe I can smoosh the little bastard" I thought to myself. My plan fails as the moment I lift my right hand and start to move towards the toilet paper, the spider moved as well, as if he anticipated my plan of attack. I moved my hand back and he proceeded to move back as well. I want to escape this torture, but in order to open the door I would need to move my leg into the spider's general direction. "Maybe I could go over him" was another thought that ran through my head but this room is maybe 5 by 10 feet so if this bastard can jump, forget that. I scrapped that plan and rushed to think of something else.
At this point I've been on the toilet for half an hour and I have to do something. My legs were starting to go numb and I really had no interest even taking a piss or crap anymore, I didn't even remember why I was in there in the first place. I spring like spider man to the other side of the bathroom, in the corner of my eye the little brown bastard starts to scuttle around as if he'd lost his glasses. I lean across open the door and spring out as fast as I could shutting it behind me. I climb back into bed sighing with relief. As I turn to my side under the door, I see that bastard standing under the door crack.
To make a long story short I grabbed my copy of Siddhartha and kept whacking till there was nothing left but a brown spot and a couple legs dangling from the edge of my book. The point of all this is, I'm a pussy and I should have just stayed in bed.
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